Love Letter – A Love Letter to My Enemy

By Yue

I have been away for two months, traveling from old places to new places, spending time with family, old ones and young ones. I celebrated my birthday in this Ben Min Nian, my own horse zodiac year. It has been quite a summer. I tell myself these are good reasons to keep putting off this letter. But it’s time to write it, finally, a love letter to my enemy.

I used to tell myself I have no enemies. I don’t hate anyone, I love people. I can see everyone’s good side, even when the relationship is a hard one.

That might be true in my mind. But in truth, I have set myself apart from everyone. The hidden resentment and the buried emotions I carry burst out in moments when I defend myself, when I take my own side, when I fight a war I didn’t need to fight. I don’t even notice when I’m doing it. I defend and prove myself when there is no war and no judge. In those wars, everyone becomes my enemy, especially the ones nearest to me.

So to all my enemies, my mother, my stepmother, my father, my sons, my stepchildren, my husbands, my lovers, my close friends, my friends, my acquaintances, my teachers, my colleagues, my employers, my employees, my friends’ friends, my grandparents, my cousins, my cousins’ friends, my parents’ friends, my families’ families, my families’ friends, the people who’ve helped me, the strangers I’ve met only once; here is my letter to you.

A love letter to my enemy

I am sorry that I exist. I wish I were more humble. I am truly sorry for the ups and downs in our relationship. Let me explain.

I am sorry, it is my fault that I have wronged you.

I am sorry I should have been more patient with you, cared for you, and truly known you as you are.

I am sorry I pretended to listen to you, when really I was listening to my own thoughts.

I am sorry I have wronged you, criticized you, made you feel judged.

I am sorry I pretended to know, acted like I was the best.

I am sorry I didn’t truly trust you. I held onto my own perspective and couldn’t hear yours.

I am sorry I pretended to be kind, when I was just as selfish as I believed others to be.

I am sorry I pretended to be innocent, when I knew I was wrong.

I am sorry I pretended to be superior, when really I was insecure.

I am sorry I pointed out your shortcomings, I was just jealous of you.

I am sorry I made you feel wrong, when it was I who was narrow-minded.

I am sorry I pretended to be lesser, when really I was just planning to win.

I am sorry my mind changes; that I treat you like my enemy and forget that I love you.

I am sorry I took revenge in my thoughts, in my words, in my attitude, when all I needed to say was: I am sorry, I was wrong.

I am sorry I lied to you.

I am sorry I gave up on you.

Ever since I set foot on this planet, I have been taking pictures with my eyes, my nose, my ears, my mouth, my body, and with those pictures I have filled my mind: memories, thoughts, emotions. I have lived inside this world of pictures, thinking and acting only from what I know and how I feel, taking it as true and right. And so I haven’t made just one enemy, I have made everyone in my life my enemy. Me against you. Right against wrong. My words against yours. Every time I choose my side, defend my opinion, see from my own perspective more clearly than yours, I seem to win the war but actually I lose. Every time I make a judgement, a discernment, my world grows smaller. My mind grows narrower. The smaller I get, the more defensive I become, and the more I defend, the more ego I build. That ego became myself. I painted my own world over the real one, and I have been living there alone.

I am grateful to you, my enemy, you have shown me my own mind, taught me my lesson. I learned that nothing will give you love if you don’t feel love. Nothing will take care of you if you don’t take care of yourself. Nothing will seem to stop hurting you unless you first stop hurting yourself. When I was learning, I tried, I gave you my best: not only the sunny parts, but the broken ones too; the flaws and the dark spots. In truth, I criticized myself even more than I criticized you. I judged myself. I didn’t know how to love myself. I blamed myself. I put myself last, while acting as if I was first.

I wasn’t honest, because I was also lying to myself. My body, my mind were all false. I was left-handed. I am an introvert. I am an artist, but I chased money and followed my pride. I let those things come between you and me. I wanted to fulfill all my desires, never enough. My body warned me. My life warned me. I knew nothing, really. I really didn’t know anything, I didn’t even know who I was, who I truly was.

I was born a beautiful flower, and I was also born with thorns, and I am sorry I poked you so many times. I hope you forgive me. It was I who made an enemy of you — not the other way around. I learned that I am not different from you, you are a beautiful flower too, the most beautiful one on earth. I learned that we are not separate, we are one. I exist because of you. The greatest privilege in one’s life is to become who you truly are. If you want to walk with me, I would love to find our true self together.

I love you. So often you are still in my thoughts. You are in my heart. I am lucky to have met you. I am lucky you have talked to me, sat with me, embraced me. I am lucky you are my friend, my family. I am lucky you are in my world. I am sorry it was my mind that made it hard. I love you. I just want to be with you.

With all my love, and yours truly,

Yue